What About Daddy?

I read a post on a site and it got me to thinking. I'm not going to go into detail about everything they posted, but, in a nutshell, it said the only difference between abortion and miscarriage is the circumstances surrounding the death of the child. Here is the post if you want to read it. Here's my addition to what they had to say:

So many people say that a miscarriage does not affect the father. My answer is yes it does. Miscarriage may not affect the father like the mother, but the death of any child, born or unborn, no matter their age will affect the father. Amy, my ex wife (girlfriend at the time she miscarried), had a miscarriage. Everyone was concerned how she was doing and everything. I appreciated their concern, but not one person directed anything toward how i felt. Amy even asked me how it could affect me since I wasn't the one that was carrying the baby.

I remember well the date (2 May 2003) and time (1500) I got the phone call that they couldn't find a heartbeat on little Zachary. (We didn't know til after he was born whether he was a boy or a girl, but we had names picked out either way.) I could barely tell my boss what was going on. I got a ride from Richie, my best friend at the time and met Amy at the hospital, attached to a flatlined baby monitor. The whole time I kept praying that the doctors were wrong, that the machine was broke, and praying that God would bring my baby back to life. Up until 1630 Sunday evening, I kept praying that a miracle would happen. But, alas, God saw fit to take him on home.

The staff decided that it would be better for her to give birth naturally as opposed to a D&C. Amy declined to hold him, which was something she regrets to this day. They took him away, and, after what seemed like an eternity, brought me to the nursery and let me take pictures with a disposable camera that they provided if I chose to do so. I chose to, and still have the pictures to this day. At 7 3/4" and less than 8 oz, he fit in the palm of my hand.

To this day, I ask myself:

1. What would he have looked like.
2. Would he have favored mama's or daddy's looks?
3. What would his personality be like?
4. What types of interests would we share?
5. What could I have done to prevent the miscarriage?

I don't think anyone's weird for naming their unborn child, or saving any of the mementos from the miscarriage, because the death of offspring no matter what age, is something that a parent can never be totally prepared for, whether the he/she be born or unborn, adult or child, sudden or anticipated. I still struggle with grief over Zachary, and I will until the day I'm taken from this earth.